Tag / mental health

by Annie Newman

Psalm 04 – Processing Our New Normal

1 Answer me when I call to you,
    my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
    have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

2 How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
    How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
3 Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
    the Lord hears when I call to him.

4  In your anger do not sin;
    when you are on your beds,
    search your hearts and be silent.
5 Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
    and trust in the Lord.

6 Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will show us any good?”
    Let the light of your face shine on us.
7 Fill my heart with joy
    when their grain and new wine abound.

8 I will lie down and sleep in peace
    for you alone, Lord,
    make me dwell in safety.

 

I am fortunate enough to work from home to begin with, so “sheltering in place” for COVID-19 has been less disruptive to my routine than it has been for many.  I already had my youngest here full time (now her older sister is officially home until August, since the rest of the school year has been cancelled for Virginia), and right now my farm duties consist mainly of keeping everyone fed.  That’s no small feat with three hardworking men in the house (our two farm employees live with us at the moment), but it’s something more or less compatible with watching children simultaneously.

That being said, I feel like we’re living in a state of suspended animation.  The farm is doing well, for now.  We lost all our wholesale business but retail demand has spiked.  How long that will last is uncertain, as economic hardships become more likely for at least some of our customers as time wears on.  Farmer’s markets, due to open in about a month, have been at the very least postponed.  So I wonder what the future will bring, living in a little bubble now with my two girls, doing pretty well at sticking to a schedule that leads us nowhere but down the road for a walk with the dogs, back to the kitchen table for some home-led occupational and speech therapy, and into the garden after quiet time.  It’s pretty much the same day in and day out.  I’m guiltily enjoying the day-to-day of it, except for the rainy days that make outside-time a little less fun and a lot shorter.  But I don’t know what’s on the horizon: will we be able to continue like this for weeks, possibly months?  Will the orders hold, the money hold?  How long til we can go to the playground again, see grandparents again?  Will farmers markets start up in the summer?  Will our restaurants come back online in a way that allows them to order from us again?  All I can do is sit here and wonder.

The dichotomy of spring bursting forth while the world crumbles in on itself is disorienting, as well.  I have gone grocery shopping twice now, and each trip into town it seems like there is a malignancy in the air.  There is a feeling of emergency because the shelves are empty. I’m afraid to breathe, afraid to touch anything.  The produce looks sinister because I do not know what germs might be lingering on the peels and rinds.  But then I get home, and see the remaining daffodils waving cheerily in a warming breeze, birdsong filling the air, and early butterflies fluttering by.  The wildflower meadow I’ve been painstakingly establishing the past two years has lots of new shoots in all different shapes and sizes, promising for a beautiful display starting in a few weeks.  My volunteer strawberries have flowers on them.  A few days ago, I had to turn the TV off after watching a special report on an Italian hospital because it was so unsettling, but that same day I noticed the tulip poplars are leafing out, and my mustard greens were sprouting second leaves.  Fear and joy follow each other in a tight circle right now.

Because of this unprecedented mass pandemic and the global effects it’s having not just on people’s physical health but also their economic and mental health realities, I’m going to set my Lenten reading of Job aside for now.  While Job makes an ever more relatable figure in this time of uncertainty and anxiety, I want to take a break from these passages of anguish to focus first on some passages of comfort and encouragement.  Perhaps, given the time, I’ll be able to provide some distraction, diving into some of the Bible’s most interesting stories, or provide an antidote to some of the fear-mongering eschatological readings some zealots like to throw around in times of crisis.  I’ll take it week by week.

Today I want to introduce you to my favorite Psalm, one I’ve been thinking of a lot in the past couple weeks.  It has been one of my favorites since high school.  It strikes the perfect balance between counsel and rejoicing.  I am not always great at self-regulating, and am very quick to anger when hungry, tired, or stressed.  As such, I have felt like verse four, “in your anger do not sin, when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent” is always a needed reminder.  My fuse was very short at the beginning of our shelter in place, in truth I had a bit of a breakdown that first Sunday.

I’m terribly ashamed I let it get to that point, but I’m sure that a lot of people out there have similarly been pushed to their limits of late.  If you are having trouble, ask for help.  This is not some vague call for “self care,” a lovely idea that is often hard to put into practice due to constraints of time, money, and family.  No, this is a call to action.  And yes, there are still resources out there right now, even if person-to-person contact is limited.  For myself, I finally started counseling through Better Help – and guess what? They have an unemployment discount. If you are able to pay in bulk, the price keeps dropping.  They’ve also provided this article on free online therapy, and NAMI has this list of hotline resources for those in crisis or needing guidance in where to turn. I also finally got an anti-anxiety medication filled, too.  These two steps have helped me tremendously, and I’m not ashamed to admit to either.  Taking care of your mental health – in the form of counseling, medication, or otherwise – is of the utmost importance, especially in times like these.  Through these things, God has given me relief from my distress, indeed.

As a person prone to anxiety (and in recent years, insomnia) I especially appreciate that last verse, “I will lay me down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” and will often repeat it to myself in an effort to get to sleep. You see, I’ll fully admit to prayer not being the strongest part of my spiritual practice.  “Talking to God” does not come naturally to me, so I appreciate rote phrases, such as this or the Lord’s Prayer.  (The number of easily memorized, rote prayers is one of the things I find most appealing about Catholicism.)  If you, too, struggle with praying in times of trouble – or just in general – I suggest memorizing the last verse of this Psalm as I have and using it as your bedtime prayer.

I am finishing writing this as the girls watch a movie and dinner simmers on the stove.  With Chris throwing everything he has into farming while we can still make some money at it, I’m only left with stolen moments like these that I have time to write.  I’d love to be doing so much more, but I’ve made peace with it.  If a little writing time is all I have to give up, I’m doing pretty well.  I hope you are giving yourself the grace needed to get through this strange time, and would love to hear from you all on how you’re coping.  I am happy to lend an ear to anyone who needs to talk, provide comfort food recipes or activity ideas for small children, or recommend some readings.  Comment or message me, and be sure to take care of yourselves.  God bless, and I’ll be back with something new next Sunday.

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by Annie Newman

Matthew 09 – Mercy not Sacrifice

Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town.2 Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”

3 At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is blaspheming!”

4 Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? 5 Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? 6 But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “Get up, take your mat and go home.” 7 Then the man got up and went home. 8 When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such authority to man.

9 As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.

10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. 11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

12 On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

14 Then John’s disciples came and asked him, “How is it that we and the Pharisees fast often, but your disciples do not fast?”

15 Jesus answered, “How can the guests of the bridegroom mourn while he is with them? The time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; then they will fast.

16 “No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. 17 Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.”

18 While he was saying this, a synagogue leader came and knelt before him and said, “My daughter has just died. But come and put your hand on her, and she will live.” 19 Jesus got up and went with him, and so did his disciples.

20 Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. 21 She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”

22 Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.

23 When Jesus entered the synagogue leader’s house and saw the noisy crowd and people playing pipes, 24 he said, “Go away. The girl is not dead but asleep.” But they laughed at him. 25 After the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took the girl by the hand, and she got up.26 News of this spread through all that region.

27 As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, “Have mercy on us, Son of David!”

28 When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?”

“Yes, Lord,” they replied.

29 Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith let it be done to you”; 30 and their sight was restored. Jesus warned them sternly, “See that no one knows about this.” 31 But they went out and spread the news about him all over that region.

32 While they were going out, a man who was demon-possessed and could not talk was brought to Jesus. 33 And when the demon was driven out, the man who had been mute spoke. The crowd was amazed and said, “Nothing like this has ever been seen in Israel.”

34 But the Pharisees said, “It is by the prince of demons that he drives out demons.”

35 Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. 36 When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. 37 Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. 38 Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”

Jesus spends some time talking about people’s faith while healing them in this chapter.  He forgives the sins of the paralytic before he heals him, he tells the bleeding woman that her faith has healed her, he straight up asks the blind man if he believes that he, Jesus, can heal him.  Faith is wonderful and can do some amazing, even miraculous, things.  But I want to make something very, very clear: Faith is not a prerequisite to care, and this chapter does not prove otherwise.  Everyone deserves care.  There is a very specific reason Jesus focuses so much on faith and healing in this section.

Framing these questions of belief are two instances of the “teachers” (other learned men of some authority) and the Pharisees grumbling about Jesus.  First they say he blasphemes by forgiving the sins of others.  Which, when you think about it rationally, is kind of out there.  Anyone who forgives someone else’s sin is basically taking on the power of God.  I think it’s a power God wants us to share, because forgiveness is better for everyone involved. But that’s not the only reason Jesus told the paralytic his sins were forgiven.  He was making a point because he knew the teachers were watching.  He straight up tells them “But so you may know that the Son of Man has authority on Earth,” and then turns around and lifts the paralytic up.  Jesus is showing those who doubt, whose hearts may be hardened, that he has power over body and soul.  But they don’t listen, because once again at the end of the chapter, instead of being amazed by the miracle of speech being restored to a mute man, the Pharisees say Jesus’ drove the demon out by the power of the “prince of demons.”

Every single one of these healings, including the one where Jesus asked the blind man not to say anything, was watched by or relayed to the Pharisees.  Jesus was making a bold claim that he was the Son of Man, with authority on Earth.  By linking questions of faith with these closely-watched and much talked about healings, Jesus was making it clear that it was through God he was able to do these things.

But I think the part of the chapter we need to focus more on is when Jesus says “it is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick…I desire mercy, not sacrifice.  For I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners.”  The chapter also closes with Matthew reminding us that when Jesus “saw the crowds, he had compassion on them.”  He didn’t ask them what church they went to, or say they needed to come back more sober, or ask what health insurance they’d be using.  He healed them.  He had compassion on them.  He had mercy on them.  He sought out the sinners, including Matthew himself. (Tax collectors, such as Matthew, were often despised due to their corruption, and for siding with the Romans against their own people.  They were more like mobsters than accountants.)  Through Jesus’ mercy, they became believers.  He may have asked a few if they believed to make a point to the Pharisees, but the more important thing is he healed them.  Regardless of station in life-from the completely helpless paralytic to the Synagogue ruler-Jesus healed them.

Forcing someone to believe isn’t leading them to true faith.  Showing compassion, regardless of situation or predicament, in the name of Jesus Christ is a far more effective way to show the world what he is all about.  I remind you again: Jesus tells us plainly, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice.”  We need to show mercy to those who need it.  We don’t have a major leprosy problem anymore, nor do we encounter the demon-possessed on a regular basis (I don’t think), but we still have people that society ignores, belittles, and shoves out of the way: addicts, sex workers, homeless, and those struggling with mental illness are just a few examples.  Instead of looking down our noses at them we need to help them.  This is why I particularly like the Housing First approach to ending homelessness, where homeless individuals are provided housing immediately, and only after that is achieved do they begin addressing issues of substance abuse or mental health from a stable environment.  It’s also why I like Planned Parenthood, because it is made very clear from their mission that they are there to serve women no matter what their situation, not judge them for it.  We need more programs like this, especially in and around the health care industry.

The “sinners” of Jesus’ time often weren’t “sinners” at all, but rather at the mercy of medical ailments we now fully understand.  A woman suffering a bleeding condition and a paralytic man wouldn’t be considered sinners by the majority of society today.  I pray that we are soon able to treat the “sins” of mental illness and addiction as matter-of-factly (and under full, affordable insurance coverage) as hypertension or near-sightedness are currently treated.  And how will that happen?  It will happen faster if more of us are willing to sit with the sinners and tax collectors, as Jesus was.  If we provide them with mercy, instead of sacrificing them to the system, we not only show them that individually they are of value, but also show society at large that everyone matters.  Are you, or is someone close to you effected by homelessness? Sexual violence? Mental illness? Chronic conditions? Addiction? STDs? Then speak up.  Let society know that everyone in these groups is worthy of compassionate, merciful care.  Jesus thought so, so we should, too.